I amgoing to ramble in the post, so bear with me as through writing this, I can get out what I feel I need to say. Being a father has certainly be an interesting experience. In the last 8 months I went from seeing my son born, to having a feeling of joy, to not feeling very much like a father or even connected to my son , to finally this stage where my son Oliver is getting mobile, laughing and growing fast.
I struggled with first few months with feeling adequate to be Olivers dad. I started this blog when he was still developing in the womb to try and build myself up to what seemed to be an impossible but important task of fatherhood. I had no idea how to appropriately support my wife, how to comfort her or anything. I found myself incredibly depressed the first few months after Oliver was born because I didn't feel a bond, nor did I feel like I was a good father at all. I struggled with frustration and anger as he would fuss from growing or the stomach pains of trying to find a formula that actually worked for him. I remember a few frantic nights going to the ER because Oliver wouldn't stop projectile vomiting. He could not keep anything down.
It certainly did not help with this feeling inadequacy considering the digestion issues with milk based formulas came from my side of the family. To top it off, Oliver was a big boy. Weighing in at over 9 pounds at birth, he was always a bit hungrier than most babies his age. And then dealing with WIC saying my son was obese and overweight. Things just did not seem to make things easier.
With all of this struggle and working what seemed like the longest hours in the world at my job, I was a wreck. None of this helped my marriage at all. The financial struggles we faced for the last year and a half meant having room mates which caused our marriage to suffer, and even to today we suffer from the side effects of it. We have had our moments of 'is this going to work' and 'should we keep going.' It certainly has crossed our minds that maybe we were not meant to be together.
But it some things happened. Life changing, earth shattering if you may. Struggling through a tragedy that we are not quite ready to share with the world, but it changed things. Finally we had time to actually be a married couple. We were not living with roommates and we could actually spend time together as a family. There wasn't an expectation to keep things hush hush to not disturb our fellow tenants and we could actually sort out issues in our marriage.
Oliver is growing fast through all of this. He never misses a meal or a beat. He is so strong and healthy. It's actually nice to have time where Elizabeth and I can spend days together with our son as we rebuild. Things are not perfect right now. And we are still struggling. But we will take the silver lining of the time we have got to spend together. The memories made certainly will last a lifetime. But all of this has made us stronger.
We we have started to take a long look at what makes us happy. And how much simpler have we become in our desires to live a life where we seek the happiness of our tiny family. And maybe perhaps, in a few years another tiny Kerr will grace the world with their presence. We hope and we pray that the work we are doing now will get us to that point. Because honestly, who wouldn't love to see Oliver with a "I'm going to be a big brother" thirty on. :-)
A collection of experiences fathers from all walks of life. From the good and the bad. All complimented by products that support the writers and content creators.