Today has been a wash of a day. A height of my stupidity if you may and lack of empathy some might say as well. Destroying something as our marriage. Not intentionally, but happening all the same. Due to some addiction that many psychologists and behavior health specialist would laugh at. I can hear them scoffing in the background as I write this letter to you.
An open letter. One to clarify to you and my family, friends, etc... That I struggle with addiction. An addiction that would just be seen by many as just hormones. It isn't. It is a plague. A disease. Sex addiction.
I can hear the mocking laughs of people as they read this. Some thinking, "oh why don't you just ask your wife more often." Or other related questions to the matter, to which I will reply that I have. But the situation is not her fault. She has not done anything wrong. In fact, in dealing with me and my sexually obnoxious ways, she has stood up to me. Probably the best thing she has done for me in terms of this problem.
And I know there are many out there that would say that it hurts, and while it does, it doesn't compare to the pain of withdrawal. Those who have been addicted to alcohol or drugs even understand this pain. The thought of just one more drink, one more hit, one more go around before bed. It ruins us. It turns us into those with an allergic reaction to that which we are addicted too.
We hurt those whom we are around. I hate it. I need help but there isn't really any professional help that can do anything. Most of the therapeutic community don't view sex addiction as a real addiction. Rather they call it natural and continues to perpetuate rape culture. The idea that boys will be boys, girls will be girls, not thinking of the consequences this will have on relationships down the road. For example my marriage.
From the outside, from Facebook. The grass couldn't be greener. But get passed the fake green grass and you will see turmoil. You will see pain and frustration. The frustration comes from not being intimate with my wife as well as being intimate. The very thing that is amazing for bringing a married couple together is the thing that is hurting us most.
But Elizabeth can not help her situation. After giving birth to Oliver, who was over 9lbs, she has had a difficult time feeling confident with herself. Not only that, not feeling attractive around me. And all I can focus on the next time I can be intimate with her. It frustrates her. It frustrates me.
There just seems to be no fix for this problem. We are seeking God in this, but this is a struggle. I hate divulging details about my personal life like this but I need support, my wife and I need support. We are doing what we can being moved to a new area and starting off new in an environment we have to learn. We need prayers, positive vibes or whatever you have.
Remember those who struggle with addiction. Pray for them because they are often the best at making sure you don't know...
But my final words in this post, I want to direct to you Elizabeth. I am sorry for the pain this stupid disease is causing you. I'm sorry for the pain I have put you through. I'm sorry that I lack the control to be a real person around you. I'm sorry that nothing I have done has shown you that I can be an honorable and trustworthy husband. I have failed you, and for that I am the most sorry for.
I hope that that one day our marriage will be filled with joy, and that I will be worthy of your love, respect and beauty.
-The Undercover Dad.
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