I have to be honest, I am not the greatest person at dealing with stress. I am great at hiding that I am stressed out. And sometimes stress turns me into a real jerk. I get snippy and noncompliant to what needs to be done. It is this mechanism that turns me into this angry person to deal with if not kept in check.
But when kept in check it turns into anxiety. I have issues that I deal with that make my life hard to enjoy. Little tiny things that normally wouldn't get under a person's skin, get under mine. Things such as every day noises, conversations, words, activities and the list goes on. Small things.
Elizabeth can attest to little things getting under my skin. I seem to get upset over the smallest little details. The things that should have the smallest impact in the world. Small failures, miscommunications, things not lining up or just simply forgetting something. It is no fault of hers or anyone who my irritation gets directed.
I can't seem to help myself when these things happen. Call it a mental disorder, but it makes me feel like the world is falling in on me. I don't really know how many people feel this way as so many people just sweep these things under the rug like it's okay. Like life is fine and dandy. Making it seem like only the big things, the things that everyone sees causes some strife.
It's hard to relate to people with my stress as it doesn't seem many people understand. I've been told I just do it to myself. The fact is I hate it. I hate, Loath even bitterly despise even the smallest failures. The smallest of things I despise because of this engrained thought of things having to be perfect. It doesn't feel like anything I can control. No matter how much I tell myself that it is small. That there is no need to panic.
It sends my anxiety through the roof and by the end of the day my body hurts so much from pacing, my body tensing that I am so exhausted that I don't want to deal with anything. It puts me to a point where I can't function normally. I feel like I am drowning in my situations even if they are tiny.
I don't know how many people feel this way. But I am sure a lot of you feel alone in this struggle. I just wanted to post this so you know you're not alone. That it a disease that affects someone else. I hate this disease. I hate what it does to me and how much it controls me. I know there will be those of you who will say I let it control me, but you wouldn't understand unless you actually experienced it. Some people struggle differently than most.
If you're going through anything like this, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers because you don't deserve to suffer alone. I don't deserve to suffer alone. We need to support each other, not matter how hard. Maybe one day we will find peace in our torn souls. From all the people we have hurt and from those who have hurt us by turning this pain against us.
-The Undercover Dad.
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