Today has started as a quiet day. And quiet days are nice to sit and think about what you are doing with your life and figuring out if you are going down the right path or not. This morning seemed a bit tough to understand if Elizabeth and I were making the right decisions with out futures. Things seem so skewed on what is right and wrong anymore. What is the right choice? Is it as subjective as we think? Perhaps but I'm not really going to go into existential thoughts here.
Merely what I am doing is rambling in hopes that maybe I can come to a clear though as to where I am at, and maybe inspire a few people who are in the same situation.
After eating breakfast this morning and sending off Elizabeth to work, I sat for a while trying to figure out what all has happened lately. Elizabeth has been hired for a job she wanted; I've been working at the Lowes Distribution Center and a bunch of other things of course. We are slowly seeing closure on our circumstances and seeing some light at the end of the tunnel as we decide what exactly we need to do to have a better and more stable future.
I painted this morning too. Something I love to do, but always seem too drained on inspiration to do. I painted a nice mountain scenery though not the greatest. You can find a posting of that on My wife and I's Instagram AdventureKerrs. It made me think about the path that people take to find the beauty of their lives. Going up and down catching small and slow glimpses of the future ahead of them. Weathering storms and hot days all in a journey to self discovery. Finding this higher calling, higher meaning to what seems like such a dreadful life. So we digress but slowly progress in our journey. We've gone through many of deserts and storms but I think it's been refining us.
Forcing us to grow into something more than we were, especially in the scope of being the best parents we could be for Oliver.
But this is where I will leave off on this post. Perhaps I'll elaborate more on this in a later post as I always do. Just trying to keep everyone up to date and give a small glimpse on what goes on in my mind and my life with my family.
-The Undercover Dad
I amgoing to ramble in the post, so bear with me as through writing this, I can get out what I feel I need to say. Being a father has certainly be an interesting experience. In the last 8 months I went from seeing my son born, to having a feeling of joy, to not feeling very much like a father or even connected to my son , to finally this stage where my son Oliver is getting mobile, laughing and growing fast.
Today has been a wash of a day. A height of my stupidity if you may and lack of empathy some might say as well. Destroying something as our marriage. Not intentionally, but happening all the same. Due to some addiction that many psychologists and behavior health specialist would laugh at. I can hear them scoffing in the background as I write this letter to you.
An open letter. One to clarify to you and my family, friends, etc... That I struggle with addiction. An addiction that would just be seen by many as just hormones. It isn't. It is a plague. A disease. Sex addiction.
I can hear the mocking laughs of people as they read this. Some thinking, "oh why don't you just ask your wife more often." Or other related questions to the matter, to which I will reply that I have. But the situation is not her fault. She has not done anything wrong. In fact, in dealing with me and my sexually obnoxious ways, she has stood up to me. Probably the best thing she has done for me in terms of this problem.
And I know there are many out there that would say that it hurts, and while it does, it doesn't compare to the pain of withdrawal. Those who have been addicted to alcohol or drugs even understand this pain. The thought of just one more drink, one more hit, one more go around before bed. It ruins us. It turns us into those with an allergic reaction to that which we are addicted too.
We hurt those whom we are around. I hate it. I need help but there isn't really any professional help that can do anything. Most of the therapeutic community don't view sex addiction as a real addiction. Rather they call it natural and continues to perpetuate rape culture. The idea that boys will be boys, girls will be girls, not thinking of the consequences this will have on relationships down the road. For example my marriage.
From the outside, from Facebook. The grass couldn't be greener. But get passed the fake green grass and you will see turmoil. You will see pain and frustration. The frustration comes from not being intimate with my wife as well as being intimate. The very thing that is amazing for bringing a married couple together is the thing that is hurting us most.
But Elizabeth can not help her situation. After giving birth to Oliver, who was over 9lbs, she has had a difficult time feeling confident with herself. Not only that, not feeling attractive around me. And all I can focus on the next time I can be intimate with her. It frustrates her. It frustrates me.
There just seems to be no fix for this problem. We are seeking God in this, but this is a struggle. I hate divulging details about my personal life like this but I need support, my wife and I need support. We are doing what we can being moved to a new area and starting off new in an environment we have to learn. We need prayers, positive vibes or whatever you have.
Remember those who struggle with addiction. Pray for them because they are often the best at making sure you don't know...
But my final words in this post, I want to direct to you Elizabeth. I am sorry for the pain this stupid disease is causing you. I'm sorry for the pain I have put you through. I'm sorry that I lack the control to be a real person around you. I'm sorry that nothing I have done has shown you that I can be an honorable and trustworthy husband. I have failed you, and for that I am the most sorry for.
I hope that that one day our marriage will be filled with joy, and that I will be worthy of your love, respect and beauty.
-The Undercover Dad.
It seems that we are often faced with choices that make us question everything we know. Everything that has been and what will be. It is hard to find solace or comfort in knowing we can't predict the future and that we need to live for today. Not living for the past of what we did well or that we failed at doing.
It feels like sometimes in life, we grow numb. We don't mean to grow numb, but sometimes it happens. Life gets incredibly hard and no jobs seem to work out or they become so stressful you feel you could walk out any moment.
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